If only I never existed
by pwut
Summary: Masochism. Erm. Graphic child-abuse. Self harm, more like self-torture. Gory, pain, blood. Can be triggering, so be careful. Anything else? Oh yes. Whipping. And probably nightmares as well if I continue. ;) AU. Let me warn you again, very graphic. Be careless when you read, and you might suffer.
1. Chapter 1

**Warnings.**

**DON'T READ if you simply don't like violence..or blood or torment. It can be triggering, some parts of the story.**

**Here, Law is a teenager suffering from past abusive treatments. AU. Heh, I just thought of it so I wanted to write it down. ;)**

**Self-harm, self-torture, hallucinations/imaginative and dubious mind. I guess..what other warnings could I give?**

**Still wanna read?**

**Here we go.**

Chocolate.

More chocolate.

Irresistable sweets, melts in the mouth and makes everywhere sticky.

"You've been a good boy, haven't you?" 

"Law.."

"You deserve more treats. Go ahead, stuff your face with candy you desire for your childish sweet tooth."

So he did, rummaged through the bottom plastic box of the refrigerator, digging and grabbing as many as he could, tearing open the wrappers and leaving them on the floor. He wasn't starved, or starving, no, he just had lunch, but somehow it didn't had any effect on his seemingly ravenous stomach. 

More sweets...more sweets please?

Drowning in sugary pleasure.

Law raised his head, wiping at his mouth with a cold hand, licking his lips, he sat back on his heels to emit a huge yawn.

"Law. Get out of the kitchen, you lazy fuck."

He flinched. He quickly got on his knees, pressed the lid onto the box and pushed back the plastic box. He got up and kicked the door shut.

**"**Shut up. Bastard." He snarled, before whimpering, feeling a heavy presence behind him.

"Who told you to stand up? "

"On your knees."

He struggled, but his legs gave way, and his knees cracked soundly against the cold kitchen floor.

"Aah..." Tears were forming from the sharp pain.

Crawl. Reaching out with the next hand , trying to get forward without lifting any of his limbs off the ground. 

"..."

Silence, such a lonely house. Not empty, but with only Law occupying the house.

For now.

"Law."

He ignored the call, and continued edging towards the study room, hoping that by then his brain would reawake itself. Either that, or he would bang his head against the piano. The unforgiving keys always rebounds back, scratching his face and forcing him out of this state.

"LAW."

"You...stop."

A footstep..?

A hand grabbing his chin..?

His head was squarely smashed into the floor.

"Uh!"

He gave in, body weaker than it actually was.

"Pa..." He panted against the floor, "Sir...please..let me go..."

"I don't want to...don't want..."

Sniffling fake tears, he rubbed his cheek on the floor, hopeful, trying to pass it off as a gesture of defeat.

Fingers slithered over his back...his spine...before slipping into his underwear and smoothing the rounded rear cheeks.

"Don't wanna...I don't...wanna do this..."

With a cry, his body was pushed onto the ground, his whole figure motionless yet brimming full of senseless energy.

"Why..me..?"

He pushed off the ground onto his knees, hands supporting his weight, elbows weak and nearly snapping with the insistent trembling.

"You know what to do."

"Quick."

"Don't waste my time."

"Your _precious _is at stake, darling."

He gasped, gagged on the sudden intake of cold air, got to his feet and dashed to the bathroom.

Clean bathroom, however, now ruined with splatters of vomit and the sound of helpless heaving and breathless retching.

"Uh...it hurts..." Law grabbed his chest, all the while moaning to himself, his other hand on the rim of the toilet seat to support his quivering body. Wave after wave of sharp pain hit his ribs.

Law wheezed piteously, his sight flashing black and white, slowly losing his grip to fall yet again on the floor.

Cold...wet...

No more...

"Please...no more..." Begging no one in particular, Law realised with a start.

Laughter soon turned to cackling, Law hugging his stomach in his frenzy of short-lived happiness. How pitiful, begging no one, but yourself to stop.

The deafening cackling died down, turning back to sniffles. He drew his knees to his chest, head spinning like he was having a hangover. Oh, how he wished he was having one instead of another episode. It was always different torments, but no less tormenting and painful, filled with helpless wanting and maddening headaches.

How will this one end then?

"Get up."

"The leather. Get the belt."

"Don't make me repeat myself-I don't like to wait."

He cried, dragging his weary body out of the bathroom with aching forearms, hand dirtied with spit and bits of chocolate that experienced a journey down his throat, and back up.

His nose was stuck with snot, his ears ringing, breathing uneven and quick through his mouth.

He grabbed the metal loop and pressed it onto the floor with his knees, bracing the other end of the belt against his back, his right hand grabbing the middle of the unyielding leather. His left hand was left clutching his thigh, useless without an objective.

A shirtless figure kneeling on the floor, trembling with painful anxiety and anticipation, a tearing in emotions where he felt both fear and excitement.

He had to do it, just like his Pa taught him.

Everyday procedure, you know?

The leather end of the belt swung over his shoulder, before following the same route back and landing squarely onto flesh.

Law bit his lip, fingers tearing into skin.

Whimpering?

Punished with another slash.

And another.

And another.

By twenty, he was crying, louder with each lash of the belt.

By forty, welts were raised, his head spinning even faster than just before.

More...more...more...

The unrelenting pursuit of the waving of the belt, one after another, periodically bruising the tender flesh on Law's back.

By sixty, he was howling.

By eighty, he was bleeding heavily, skin whipped right off his back.

Ninety eight.

Ninety nine.

Hundred.

"Pa..." Law breathed, eyes red and swollen. Falling, he was falling onto his front, but he did not care, for his hands were too weak to latch onto the ground.

"It's...it's done..."

Sweat, blood and saliva were slowly dripping onto the dirtied floor, from anguish, pain and mere tiredness.

"Uh...Pa..."

"Good boy."

"Go to sleep."

**oops. What did I write?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Graphic description of panic attacks and torture...child abuse.**

"It is only to let you learn well! Do not be afraid of my ways, for it will protect you well in future."

"No, Dad, let go of me! Let go!"

"I'm NOT your FUCKING dad, you shameful piece of crap! I am only here to teach you my ways to live well!"

"And who would, so willingly be a father to an ungrateful brat like you?" His chin was tilted to up, the speaker's breath warming up his blindfolded eyes, before his head was shook painfully by the hair. "No one. You are worse than a dog."

Law woke up with a flinch, sweat stinging his eyes and tears lucidly leaking down his face. He smoothed his hair out while still in process of wiping his face with the back of his hand, heart hammering like a incapacitated drummer trying to pound a hole through the drum. Swallowing saliva had never made him feel so alive, so he licked his lips once again to reassure his own foggy existence in the world. The night air was cool on his sweaty face through the window, neatly tied curtains fluttering against a restraining strip of cloth.

What did he dream of again?

Ah, he remembered. The suffocating darkness, wrapping him tight, holding him down. Intrusive hands that were tight, dry, like a anhydrous carcass of a shriveled lizard. His father, trying another of his strange methods to teach his son life lessons.

Lessons, no, but definitely staying with Law for life.

This time he tried to bound Law, and blindfold him. Law had obeyed cautiously at first, hoping that his father was in his right mind, even though his father's actions was a like siren wailing, warning of danger. Who is he to disobey his father, anyway, where in the end his father would always overpower him, and bend Law accordingly to his own will.

Memories flooding back, he remembered that his father always had an odd fetish for implementing weak points and using those to completely crush a person slowly, this method his father calls similar to poking at Achilles' heel. Law didn't have an injured heel, no, but he was scared of two things since young; water, and human's natural enemy, darkness. It has always been there as long as he could remember, a common and impersonal fear like some people are afraid of spiders, some of snakes, others of other fears. Impersonal it was, but not for long once his father found out.

The process of learning from someone like his father is hard and painful.

"Law, come here."

"..."

"Here, hold out your hands." Law frowned, the knots of the binds biting into his skin, but he didn't say anything. He chanced a glance at his father, by slowly leaking tears a blurry image he will never be able to focus on for long. A figure who scares him, sends shivers shocking down his spine like waves of electric currents, sends immediate tears to his eyelids, sends his knees into a chattering and uncontrollable ride, and sends his muscles to sleep.

He tried swallowing, nervous, licking his teeth and smoothing his tongue against the walls and roof of his mouth, trying to generate saliva and wet up the desert mouth of his. What was his father going to do? An unpredictable man, with high tempers and tantrums, could easily break the child's scrawny bones in a few hits if he wanted to. Law did not anticipate the thought of broken bones, or what was to come.

Darkness ensued the bindings, a piece of cloth tightened over his eyes, and another layer added to ensure full coverage.

"Sir...?" Law broke the silent air as his father worked on the blindfolds, addressing in a way his father has implemented into him as far as he could remember. "What are you going to do...?" He was scared, and couldn't resist the urge to ask the man wielding Law's near future in his hands for some information.

"Did I ask you to speak?" Came the reply after few scary pauses.

Law got the point and stood where he was last touched, not able to see where he would be heading if he was to move anyway.

He felt a hard push in the small of his back and staggered a few steps forward, trying to balance, a natural reflex made into a challenge because of the binds on his hands. It was expected, this treatment, but still always frighteningly new and heartbreaking.

"Law, when you grow up, you must learn to face your fears. Learn to grow over them and stand on them. Use them as a step on a ladder to tower over others. Ladders have many steps, and today's lesson will be one of the many steps. Become fearless and nothing can hold you back in life. You will become what I expect you to be, and I will hone you to become the object I want to be proud of." The footsteps suddenly stopped its pacing around Law, and the betraying sound of a pail falling onto water reached Law's ears.

Blindfolded and heart pounding,a sick sort of sinking feeling engulfing him, Law turn his head towards the source of sound. "...Sir, please wait-"

His nostrils and mouth was attacked by cold, unforgiving water, aimed directly at his face. Law choked and jumped backwards, crying out once his mouth was cleared of water, his nose and windpipe burning at the feel of foreign water. He tried coughing and hacking out the unwanted presence of inhaled water, his heart pumping painfully to the point that he want to cry out again, and he bent himself over at the waist, bound hands on one of his knees and panting towards the floor.

His father's hand came into contact with the back of his head and he was dragged along forcefully, and Law was screaming and trying to stop his father, digging his bare feet onto the cement floor, his bound hands pushing and clawing at the hand tangled among his short cropped hair.

"Stop, please! Stop!"

He felt the pull of gravity as his body was flung up over his father's shoulders, before he was falling, and with a loud splash he was thrown into a large tank of water, big enough to fit a couple of full grown seals into it. The child tried pushing off the unseen floor of the tank with his feet, only to find out that not matter how he stretched his legs, there was no luxury of standing for him, simply because he was too small. Blind and bound, he panicked and started flailing around.

Can't breathe...his chest heavy, the pressure of the surrounding water around him, pushing him, pulling him...Like a bath rubber duck, he bobbed up and down, into the water before desperately plunging out for air, mouth open wide, panting, his hair slicked down his head...

"DAD! HEL-buurrr hELLP"

"DAD!"

Law was scared, scared shitless, scared for his life, scared that his father would leave him here to drown.

He couldn't swim and was tiring rapidly.


	3. Chapter 3

**Continuation of Chapter 2 because somehow my device got stuck when I tried to upload chapter 2! No choice but to spilt it up into Chapter 2 and Chapter 3...O.o**

**Here, have Chapter 3!**

A hand settled again on his head. "Da-".

A sharp sting settled across his cheek as his father slapped him hard. "Dad? Dad? Watch your mouth, boy. Who's your dad?" Law instinctively drew in a breath, and the next moment his head was yet again pushed under the surface of the water. The world under water was scary, already unable to breath, furthermore heightened by loss of sight, making it a truly heartstopping experience for the child. He could hear murmurings and muffled sounds, where his father was probably shouting at him above the water. This was the only factor Law was thankful about for being underwater. However, fear still reigned over all other thoughts, and this kept his tiring limbs constantly fighting for air.

His head was finally lifted above the water after a few heart-stopping moments where he thought he would faint and drown. Instead of gasping loudly and begging for his father to stop, he kept his mouth shut, however still swallowing uncontrollably and breathing heavily through his nose.

"I. Am. NOT. Your. Father. You worthless boy." Law shivered at the harsh words, head spinning from the his oxygen deprived lungs. There was a pause, as if his father was deciding his fate there and then. "Please don't...kill me...sir...", Law finally begged, fearing for his life. Sometimes, his father would go overboard and not notice what he was actually doing till the 'lesson' was over. Law feared that now was one of those times, and he was not hoping to meet whoever was waiting for him in afterlife so soon.

"Law. Remember what I told you? Overcome your fears. I have thrown you directly into your fears. Have you died yet?" Law shook his head quickly, "No...I am still alive and well."

There was a sharp intake of breath.

His father roared unexpectedly. "Alive and well?! Alive and well?! HOW DARE YOU-"

"WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?" Law screamed tiredly, cutting his father into shocked, angry silence. "You've just blinded folded me, and tried to drown me! What else can I say? Thank you? Or should I say you're the best father I've ever had?"

"Listen...Sir..." Law lowered his voice, his throat forming a lump, making speaking difficult as he held back his tears. "You don't have to do this...we can just use words for lessons...we can talk in peace...you don't have to go through all the pain to do this..."

He felt the hand loosen, and Law felt a rush of relief. "Sir..."

"Ungrateful brat."

"Sir...?"

"I knew that I should have been harsher with you. Alive and well? I JUST TAUGHT YOU LIFE. I should have let you sleep with the dogs and feed you scraps at my heel. Let you bathe in a puddle out in the rain and not give you warm clothes to cloth you and warm you. I've given you warm beds, warm food, books to read and taught you to talk, not for you to talk back at me or fight back! You receive anything I give you without question! Ungrateful brat. Is what I give you not enough? And now I teach you to face your fears, like a man! Is this how you repay me? Scream at me and mess up my morals set up for you? Do I need you to teach me? No, boy, I am the one to teach you! You shut up and just suck it all up!"

"YOUR MORALS, ARE CRAZY. JUST LIKE YOU ARE." Law snarled, his want to live and for this to end, and his frustration overpowering his usually intact and sensible common sense and reasoning.

Another pause, painfully long.

"Very well."

Law felt hands hooking his armpits, fishing him out of the tank, a trembling, wet and cold boy.

"Very well. You asked for this."

He felt a punch connect straight to his stomach, knocking air right out of his lungs, his diaphragm spasming painfully. "Teach me a lesson?" A slap knocked his face to the left, his whole body lifted up with the force. Law wailed as his body came into contact with the floor painfully, the thud resounding off the walls. "Oww! Stop! Please!"

"Call me dad?" A kick replied his plea, delivered to the same spot where the punch landed, making Law squirm and curl up in pain, raising his bound hands to protect his head. "I'm not your dad. And why should I stop? You asked for it."

His father gripped the muscle connecting the inner thigh and the buttock on the right, pinching and squeezing down hard.

Law screamed in pain, his throat growing hoarse.

"It is only to let you learn well! Do not be afraid of my ways, for it will protect you well in future."

"No, Dad, let go of me! Let go!"

I'm NOT your FUCKING dad, you shameful piece of crap! I am only here to teach you my ways to live well!"

"And who would, so willingly be a father to an ungrateful brat like you?" His chin was tilted to up, his father's breath warming up his blindfolded eyes, before his head was shook painfully by the hair. "No one. You are worse than a dog."

Law could feel the bruises swelling up in the process of being beaten, pain was never ending, it kept coming, kicks, punches, slaps, being lifted up and thrown back onto the floor, all the while screaming and kicking and begging and hoping for it to end...

"JUST KILL ME...PLEASE...JUST KILL ME..."

(Now)

Law grabbed the blankets, his breaths coming in harsh pants, trying to greedily suck in as much air as he could. Shit, shit, shit shit shit! He couldn't stop his pants, his heart racing, the amount of oxygen sucked in obviously not enough to calm his over active heart.

Foolish boy, he let himself sink too deep into the past, and now he has to suffer for it.

Law stumbled out of bed, tears flowing like a river, panting, choking, saliva dripping out from his open mouth. His dad was coming, he's coming, he's going to die...

"No..no...no no no! NO...GO AWAY...GO AWAY! HELP ME, SOMEONE...HELP..."

He couldn't take another beating, please no...

"JUST KILL ME!" Law pleaded, mind foggy in his breathless state, panting harder. He threw himself against the wall, stupidly trying to break down the wall and escape from this nightmare. Where was the light...? Why was it so dark...?

Darkness.

Darkness.

Darkness.

_DARKNESS._

"ARRRRRGGGH!"

Foolish boy, he forgot to leave the bedside lamp on while he slept. And now he has to pay for it.

"Help...help...". Blindfolded, loud noises, shouting, screaming? Who was that..? Law? Was it him?

"No...uh...uh...ah...". Law covered his mouth, trying to calm himself down, but making his state even worse, panicking when covered his nose accidentally as well. "NO...LET ME GO...".

He cried, cried and panted, sometimes knocking his head against the floor, sometimes against the wall, all the while pulling at his hair, breathlessness consistently spinning his head, making him wail louder, bawling, shouting for help...

"Hah...hah...hah...hel...help...hah...hah...someone...save me... let me go...".

Ladders have steps, each lesson a step to tower over others. If only his father realized that, ladders had a limited amount of steps as well...

"Please...kill me...".

**End of chapter. Enjoy sadistically. **


End file.
